Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

I feel sad today. I feel like there is something missing. Like there is something I need or want but I have no idea what it is. So I've listened to Ryan Adams cover of "Wonderwall" about a million times and Bethany Joy Galeotti's "Feel This" a million and one. And then for a million and two times I listened to Kate Voegele's "Kindly Unspoken".

Then I revisted a poem I stareted about a month ago. Tweaked it. Finished it. I don't feel any better. But at least something good came out of the day. But then "good" is all relative. Enjoy.

A Moment of Clarity

I search for truth in your eyes
As you speak to me lies
You’re hiding behind the words you speak
Both you and I
Both you and me
When will the sun rise?
When will the war end?
When will we finally let
Can you feel the butterflies?
The chills you leave down my spine?
Or my heart racing towards the finish line?
I look for the moment
When we both stop playing the game
Resign to the sidelines
Where it’s just the reality of you and I
Is this the moment?
Or did the moment just pass us by?
Hiding our hearts
Hiding behind the notion
Love is overrated
Behind the belief we’re just too good for love
I at times want to surrender
Give into defeat
Because the fa├žade is getting too painful to keep
I search for truth in between the lies
I dig to decipher what you are saying in between the lines
All the while hiding behind my wall
My wall not as impregnable as I want to think
How did I let you get to me?
I find myself suddenly wanting to
Taste your kiss
Smell your scent
Feel your love
As your thick arms wrap around me…
And then I remember
The war I’m fighting in
My moment of clarity
I have yet to receive
So I lay in wait
And in want
Afraid to see

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tell Me A Secret

So there's this thing I do. Weird and unexplainable. May motivate you to question my mental stability, but its honest. Its real. So here it is. Brace yourselves. Whenever my heart is heavy, burdened by sadness, loneliness or self-deprecation, I have a desire to be comforted by words. Hugged, snuggled and kissed by truths that would soothe my soul and calm my spirit. So when that desire arises, I say to myself, "Tell me a secret." Crazy, right?

It all originated from a dream I had. Its a dream of my father. Pre-cancer. Pre-death. He's sitting in his recliner, all burly, healthy, laughing...(he was always laughing). He was sitting there watching a basketball game and then I appear. My 26 year old body crawls into his lap like a five year old little girl. I'm sad. And as he wraps me in his arms, I say, "Daddy, tell me a secret." He then fulfills my request by saying all the things a little girl needs to hear from her dad. "You're beautiful just the way you are." "He didn't deserve you". "When its your time to find true love, it will happen". "Stop comparing yourself to her. Be happy in your own skin". "You're talented and smart". "Take your time, enjoy life". "It's going to be okay, I promise". And in the dream, those words, just because they came from him, make all the pain and sadness disappear.

I tried a couple of times to transfer that dream into reality. Both times in the absence of my father, I asked significant males in my life. Once I got: "I'm all out of light bulbs. Haven't had the time to go to the store and get more and so I am attempting to make a grilled cheese in the dark." The other time, the gentleman told me his biggest fear. "To fall head over heels in love with someone and they fall head over heels in love with me. And then one day they wake up and they are bored with me and so they leave." Stark contrast? Safe to say that although I was thoroughly amused by one and could completely identify with the other, neither one satisfied that desire. Neither one comforted, hugged, snuggled or kissed.

So now when the desire arises and the urge just has to be met by someone wise and fatherly, I say a little prayer. Then I open the pages of my Bible to Psalms 37:24 or Isaiah 40:29-31 or 1 Peter 5:7.

The poem below is one I wrote a while ago when I asked the question and decided to answer it myself....

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night
Tell me a secret,
One that hugs and kisses
Instead of destroys and mutilates.
Tell me a truth,
One that soothes like a mother's lullaby
Instead of frightens like a nightmare.
Give me a hope,
With conviction and confidence
So that I can believe and trust in it.
And now,
I'll give you a lie,
And tell you, "I do"
Though I don't
Because I can't
And so I won't.
Can you keep a secret?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Writers Write. Writers Read. Writers Share.

So I am completely new to this. Not even sure if I should be here or why I am. I'm so far behind technology, I'm barely keeping up with my six year old son. It makes me laugh when my parents gave him a bunch of old Disney films on VHS. He told his grandmother, this isn't going to work on his TV. It needs to be flat and shaped like a circle.

I guess I am doing this because I feel like I have a lot to say and just no one to say it to. I am a writer. And my creative writer teacher my junior year of high school told me writers write. So I'm writing. Then he said writers read. I still working on that. Most of my reading is spent on building my spirituality. And then he said writers share... so this is what this is... me sharing.

This first poem has an interesting back story. Basically a guy friend, a new addition to my inner circle, did something to make me cry... now if you know me, you know that I am a crier, so this wasn't a stretch. But it wasn't the good cry. It was a you-broke-my-heart-shot-me-down-handed-me-an-insult-that-pierced-my-soul kinda cry... but we worked it out. Blamed it on his just being misunderstood. I love him to death... even if he doesn't quite deserve it. J/k!

I love this piece and its one of my favorites to date. Because when I sat down to write how I felt about the situation I thought my pen would paint words of hate, bitterness and angst on the paper... however my subconscious surprised me and even him when I read it to him. So... here it is. Tell me what you think!

If I Could Write A Poem About the Day You Pissed Me Off, Here’s What It Would Be… Surprised?

I look through your eyes and I see you
I listen between the lies and I hear you
You hold me in your arms and I feel you
Now if only you can look into my eyes
And see what I see
If you could step into my soul
And realize that you are the man you want to be
Let me love you
Guide you through your insecurities
So you can rise above it all
The hatred, the ignorance and the immaturity
Place your hand on my heart
And feel it racing
Wipe away my tears
And be confident of my forgiveness
Kiss me on the forehead and promise me
Your sins you won’t repeat.
Feel safe in my arms
And know I won’t walk away easily.
And I hope that if I fall from grace,
You’d pick me up and stand me on my feet
I assure you that in my heart
No ulterior motive lives
And I stand before you
Completely true to what we set out to be
So don’t fake it for me
Let the words that leave your lips
Always be genuine and honest.
Stay true to the God that you love
Stay true to who you are and who you want to be
Stay true to me
And there will be salvation
And a friendship for eternity