Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Year After

"Got the snack bag!" I yelled to Sophia as we packed up the truck.

"Got the fun bag!" she yelled back.

"Noah, what did you bring?" I asked Sophia's boyfriend.

"My good looks?" he said sarcastically.

"Hmm...yeah that's not good enough," I smiled back.

"Its good enough for Sophia," he answered.

"Actually that's only good enough if it comes with a tank of gas to put in this good ol' SUV," Sophia responded.

Noah laughed, "Black girls, you got to love them."

"And love her you do, " I said. Noah was good for Soph. He made her laugh. He challenged her. He charmed her. He supported her. He was tall, broad, dirty blond hair, green eyes. He was a med student at John Hopkins. He was her best friend. And best of all I adored him. Their friendship turned into love. Sometimes it does work out that way. Sometimes.

Noah caught me in thought, "You going to be okay with seeing him?" he asked. He knew me all to well.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. We've all moved on. I'm fine." I said trying to convince herself.

"She's fine," Sophia repeated. "We're going to support Zuri and her wedding. We all have been friends for a long time,we should be able to put aside the awkwardness and return to what made us click in the first place. This is going to be an awesome trip. So let's go, already!"

"We have to wait. James is coming by to see me off," I said.

"And then there's James," Soph grinned. "See, she's fine."

I smiled at Soph and the thought of James. James was an elementary music teacher by day and a hot bass guitarist by night. We met at Barnes and Nobel in the poetry section. I was perusing the aisles talking on my cell phone, loudly debating with my editor. Suddenly a tap on my shoulder startled me. I turned around and there he was in all his glory. Tall, at least 6'3, broad shoulders, hair cut low, skin silky smooth mocha and caramel blended into one. His lips looked like they tasted sweet. His jeans hugged him perfectly and the green sweater complimented his perfect complexion. He had a man purse over his shoulder and it one motion he put his finger to his lips and told me to "Shh". I was too entranced to be offended, so i just nodded, mouthed, "I'm sorry," and walked away embarrassed. We crossed paths again at the check out line.

"So who won the argument," he asked me.

"The jury's still out on that one, " I said sheepishly.

"Well for the record, two people don't have to make love to have a connection. If you don't think you characters would go to that level, then don't write it."

"Wow, I was really loud, huh?" I asked.

"I would call it passionate," he said smiling, showing his Colgate smile.

"Thanks, I just wish my editor would understand that."

"It's difficult. There's a fine line between not compromising your art and trying to make a living off of it," he said.

"Are you a writer?" I asked him wondering how it was he saw my soul.

"A songwriter. My name is James," he said extending his hand.

"I'm Kamryn," I said taking his hand in mine.

"Kamryn Williams? You write pieces for Essence magazine?"

"Guilty as charged."

"I enjoy your editorials. Definitely. Don't compromise. You can tell you write from the heart. Stay true to yourself."

"Thanks. I didn't think guys read my stuff," I said, thinking great, he has to be gay. Of course he is.

As if he read my mind, he answered, "Well I guess being a musician I am in touch with my sensitive side, but I'm not gay." He laughed.

I noticed his dimples. "Thank God," I thought. I just smiled.

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee? Its not everyday I meet a published writer. I'd like to pick your brain."

I hesitated. It had been three months since my confession to Ethan. We hadn't spoken in that time. I was leery, but intrigued. "Sure," I answered.

And James and I had been dating ever since.

"Here comes James now," Noah said bringing me back to present day. James pulled up in his black Maxima, parked his car and got out.

"Hey baby girl," he said pulling me close and kissing me on the forehead. "You all ready to go?"

"Yes," I whined. "But I wish you were going with me."

"I know. Me too. But I have students I have to teach. I'll be there on the day of the wedding."

"But I want you to come now!"

"Stop whining. Take this time reminisce with your friends. Support Zuri and make peace with Ethan," he said.

I looked up into his eyes. They were filled with worry. "I'm at peace with Ethan, James. I told you that. You have nothing to worry about," I comforted him.

"I know. I know. I'm just jealous. You have history with him."

"History that's history. I love you James Taylor," I said sincerely.

"I know babe. But you love him too," he kissed me on the lips and left the words in between us as he walked away.

I said nothing. Didn't dispute it. Argue. Just left it in the air. Terrified it was the truth.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Morning After

"I got a feeling! Ooh, Ooh! That tonight's going to be a good night! That tonight's going be a good, good night!" my phone alarm rang.

"Noo.." I moaned. It couldn't possibly be morning already.

"I got a feeling! Ooh, Ooh!" my alarm starts to sing again. I turn over, grab the phone and shut it off.

"Ouch!" my head is ringing. The sun burns my eyes. I try and bury myself under my down comforter.

"Rough night?" I hear a familiar voice ask.

"Rough would be an understatement," I mumbled.

"Obviously," Sophia, my roommate and younger sister says as she crawls to the edge of my bed and waits for me to elaborate. I don't. Instead I try and recall the events of last night. Waiting on Ethan's steps, confessing, driving home in tears, opening the first bottle of wine, then the second, watching my favorite scenes from Brown Sugar...

"So, you told him, huh? she asked.

"He called you?" I yelled, shot up from under the covers, forgetting the pain in my head from my wine hangover and quickly laid back down.

"No, he didn't. Calm down. The bottles of wine, cookie dough package and Brown Sugar menu screen, say a lot love."

Crap! It was pathetic. My younger sister caught me being pathetic. She's caught me being or doing much, but pathetic was something I hoped remained my secret. "Yeah, I told him," I sighed. My eyes started to tear up. "It was so embarrassing, Soph. Like I just yelled at him that I loved him and rambled on and on and all he could muster up to say was something about taking a step back."

"You think that maybe that might be the best thing right now."

"It may be the best thing, but it could also be the worse."

"Why would it be the worse thing? Because you love him and he doesn't love you in the same way?"

"Because my love could have just cost me my best friend," I said.

There was a pause. A marination of thoughts. Its funny how loud silence can be. Because Soph couldn't come up with a response told me she knew I was right. No matter how Ethan and I tried to recover from this, it would always be different between us. My words left stains that neither of us could remove. We could cover up, overlook, pretend they aren't there, but under the surface we would always be well aware.

"So what are you going to do now? Drink your life away," she said with a smile. She was great at that. Moving on. Even after Daddy died, she just picked up and moved on like it didn't phase her. I admired her strength to hold it together, even if it was her weakness.

"Coffee," I sighed. "Right now, I need lots and lots of coffee." I started to pull myself out of the bed. There was a slight spin to the room. Soph got up with me, put her arm through mine.

"Its going to be okay. I promise. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day it will be okay. You've been through worse."

"I know. Just sucks, that's all," I said as I pulled away from her and headed to my bathroom.

"I'll make your coffee, kay sis."

"Ok. Thanks," I said solemnly.

"Kamryn, look at it this way: his life, his choice, his loss," she shrugged her shoulders and walked out the door.

"Or mine," I thought.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Self Examination... Gets Me Every Time

I'm better THAN that
I deserve MORE than this
I AM worthy of love...

Let me speak to you
And though my words may cut
And they may bruise
They will indeed heal you

What you want and what you need
Are always two different things
The heart and the mind always fight
And they fight to win

But in order to change what you need
Into what you want
You must believe in your worth

So say it with me my child,
And say it loud and clear

I'm better THAN that
I deserve MORE than this
I AM worthy of love...

Which means I need more than you...

Time to let it go, Ty.



Funny how life works. How the unknown reveals itself. How that which has been known all along suddenly ephifanizes... if that's a word... The cycle won't break unless I break the cycle. Find the root of the problem and correct it. I give to much of myself to easily.. and no, not in the unchaste type of way. But in every relationship I have with most, they don't have to earn it. They don't have to fight for it. I just give it. Because of that fear. That underlying fear of being alone. But you're not alone, are you Ty? Nope. You have the relationship with your Heavenly Father, you have your precious joy, have more than most. So stop being afraid. Okay. Done. HA! Yeah right. Wish it was that easy. But like most things, I'm working on it. What is mankind right now anyway but a work in progress? So my theme for 2010: NO FEAR. TAKE THE RISK. ENJOY THE RIDE. LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE YOUR LIFE.

Let's see how it goes...

Monday, January 11, 2010


Six letters
Two syllables
But right in between the R and the T
Sits me

Taking two steps forward
Only to be knocked twenty steps back
The ability to tell you "no"
Is an ability I lack

Growing up
But acting young
Maturity shows up at its convenience
And in its absence loneliness, desire and want takes its place
When I close my eyes I still see your face

Do you wish you could take it back?
Erase every moment,
Every word,
Every touch...
How is it that I miss what I've never had this much?

Six letters
Two syllables
Seems empty on paper as it leaks from my pen
But so full in my heart and soul within
And right in between the R and the T
Sits you and me