It all originated from a dream I had. Its a dream of my father. Pre-cancer. Pre-death. He's sitting in his recliner, all burly, healthy, laughing...(he was always laughing). He was sitting there watching a basketball game and then I appear. My 26 year old body crawls into his lap like a five year old little girl. I'm sad. And as he wraps me in his arms, I say, "Daddy, tell me a secret." He then fulfills my request by saying all the things a little girl needs to hear from her dad. "You're beautiful just the way you are." "He didn't deserve you". "When its your time to find true love, it will happen". "Stop comparing yourself to her. Be happy in your own skin". "You're talented and smart". "Take your time, enjoy life". "It's going to be okay, I promise". And in the dream, those words, just because they came from him, make all the pain and sadness disappear.
I tried a couple of times to transfer that dream into reality. Both times in the absence of my father, I asked significant males in my life. Once I got: "I'm all out of light bulbs. Haven't had the time to go to the store and get more and so I am attempting to make a grilled cheese in the dark." The other time, the gentleman told me his biggest fear. "To fall head over heels in love with someone and they fall head over heels in love with me. And then one day they wake up and they are bored with me and so they leave." Stark contrast? Safe to say that although I was thoroughly amused by one and could completely identify with the other, neither one satisfied that desire. Neither one comforted, hugged, snuggled or kissed.
So now when the desire arises and the urge just has to be met by someone wise and fatherly, I say a little prayer. Then I open the pages of my Bible to Psalms 37:24 or Isaiah 40:29-31 or 1 Peter 5:7.
The poem below is one I wrote a while ago when I asked the question and decided to answer it myself....
Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night
Tell me a secret,
One that hugs and kisses
Instead of destroys and mutilates.
Tell me a truth,
One that soothes like a mother's lullaby
Instead of frightens like a nightmare.
Give me a hope,
With conviction and confidence
So that I can believe and trust in it.
I'll give you a lie,
And tell you, "I do"
Though I don't
Because I can't
And so I won't.
Can you keep a secret?