Thursday, November 12, 2009

Forgiveness

Intoxicated with thoughts of the past
Tattoos over the scars
But even the ink doesn't cover them
Perfectly flawed
Beautifully broken
Happily hopeless
Paints the me
The me I am
Without letting you go...

A weight I no longer carry
A definition I no longer own
A person I no longer am
Because I've let you go...

I'm a warrior
Fighting fearlessly.
I'm a survivor
Always getting back up after defeat
I'm a butterfly
Finally flying free...

And if the new me
Ever reunited with the old he
I'd probably speak...
"I forgive you, like I've forgiven me."

Common Sense

Its a whisper.
Do you hear it?
My secret.

Its a sunset.
Do you see it?
My beauty.

Its a stampede.
Do you feel it?
My heart racing.

Its honeysuckle.
Do you smell it?
My scent.

Its love.
Do you taste it?
My kiss.

Shh...
Don't say it.

Close your eyes.
Be blinded.

Stop, don't touch it.
Stay numb.

No.
Don't breathe it in.

Sorry, I can't feed it to you,
My love.

Because I'm scared,
And you don't even know I exist...

God, can you please take away all my sense?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Confession

I waited outside for him. It was a cool night. Crisp. The crickets chirped. The leaves rustled. Children were being tucked in. Husbands were kissing their wives on their foreheads. Grandmothers were sighing over the nightly news. Teenage girls were texting their boyfriends goodnight. And here I sat. Outside. In the crisp air waiting for him to come home. Tonight I felt just a little bit brave.

His car pulled up in the driveway. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered. As he got out the car and walked to the porch, I stood up.

"Hey," I whispered. My hands were sweating and shoved in the pockets of my jeans. He stood there. All 6 feet of him. Solid. Masculine. Bold.

"What are you doing here?" he asked perplexed. "It's late. You shouldn't be out here by yourself."

"I know right. Crazy. I could probably be attacked or something," I said sarcasticly.

"What are you doing here?" he asked again. The way he spoke over the rustle of the leaves made it sound musical.

"I had to talk to you. I had to explain what's been going on with me lately."

"Right, now? Can't this wait, it's been a long day, I'm tired. You should go home." He starts to put his key in the door. "We'll talk tomorrow, okay. Night Kamryn."

"Ethan, I love you!" I spat. I took a step back from him, startled by my own words. They pierced the air. All of a sudden silence blanketed the night. As desparately as I needed to speak the words, I needed even more desparately to take them back. But I couldn't. Once the words left my lips I didn't own them anymore. He owned them now. I wondered what he would do with my most precious possession.

He finally began to speak. "Why do I get the feeling you don't mean in just a we're best buds kinda way?"

"Look, I know its crazy. Its absurd. It makes no sense. I've told you over and over again in word and deed how impossible the very idea of us being together would be, but it just snuck up on me. Bit me in the butt. I did exactly what I didn't want to do. I caught feelings. And I hate it. I don't want it to be this way, but it is what it is..."

"But you've been treating me like crap lately. It's like you are in permanent PMS mode or something. Nagging about this and about that... Nothing I do is ever good enough for you," he complained.

"I know. I told you it didn't make any sense. I've been building this wall all my life. I tell you you're not worthy. But its just a misdirect. Turning the attention on you when its really me. I'm not worthy. I've been lying to you and to myself. I guess in trying to convince you that you're just incapable of any relationship then hopefully my desire for one with you will dissappear."

"You're rambling. You always ramble when you're nervous," he said shaking his head and massaging his forehead.

"You know me too well," I say with a girlish grin.

He answers me back with the most stern of looks. "Obviously, not well enough."

"Maybe I should have been an actor or something," I joke.

"You should stay away from drama."

"I try," I said softly.

"Not hard enough."

There was this long pause that followed his words. He stared at the paint chipping off off the floorboards of the porch. I stared into the night sky fighting back tears. My heart ached for him. It ached in ways I have never felt before. Of course I wanted more from him. I wanted him to hold me. To tell me he loved me too. To occupy the lonely space in my heart. But he couldn't. He wouldn't.

"Look, maybe we just need to take a step back. A break from one another. Really try to figure out what we want from this relationship," he said breaking the silence.

"I already know what I want," I mumbled.

"What?" he asked.

"Look, I didn't tell you hoping you would or even wanting you to say it back," I lied.

"Yes you did."

I hate him. "I just thought you should know, Ethan. Thought maybe it would make you understand my behavior. You know what I'm just going to go." I started to walk quickly past him really wanting to run away from the rejection.

"This changes everything, you know that, right?" his question chased me down the driveway.

I turned around to face him. The breeze dried the tears from my face. I look at him. He doesn't seem as tall as before. His eyes look tired. He's slouched at the shoulders. His skin oily from the stress of the day. His lips a perfect pink, parted, ready to speak.

"Actually, it changes nothing at all," I say and turn back around and walk away.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Stepping Up = Stepping Back

It's time to step up. Step back. Readjust. Reexamine. Reevaluate. The goal: TO BE BETTER. Better mother. Better daughter. Better sister. Better friend. Better.

I'm the type that easily forgives. Screw me over once. Screw me over twice. And I'll still call you friend. Still keep you in that special place in my heart. Still love you. Forgiveness is easy. Its the forgetting that presents the challenge. Somehow I relive it. With each mistake made a crescendo of the past mistakes rushes my memory. I make it difficult for the ones I love cuz I can't let it go. But its not just to their disadvantage, my inability to let it go, but its to my detriment as well. Every time I get hurt, I have this habit of bringing it back to myself. I mean, I've been abused ever since I was seven years old and though those mistakes were far from my own I carry the weight of the guilt as if it was mine to own. So I resolve right here, right now, today. To try and let it go. In the words of the Beatles I will "Let it Be"... Forgiving and forgetting the sins of myself and others will lead to a better me.

My mother is a gem. Precious. Its because she survived that I've chosen to survive. I don't let her know that as often as I want to though. When you love someone you tell them... I should tell her more often. Appreciating those who sacrificed so that I could have will make me a better me.

My son is my heart. But it kills me every time he asks me for something that I can't provide. I try to be superwoman. Do it all on my own. I never knew myself to be prideful. But humility runs scared from me when recognizing my limitations as a mother. I have these huge expectations for myself and fall short of them each and every time. This leads to a wave of disappointment and the cycle continues. Humility leads to peace of mind. A better mother. A better me.

I live by this mantra: Stay true to yourself. Stay true to God. Stay true to those you love. Though lately, I haven't been living it as much as I have been preaching it. I can't speak the truth when it comes to a certain situation. The lies protect me from the pain. The lies are a tent, shielding me from the storm of disappointment, rejection, heartache. The worse part is I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I stay on the broad and spacious I'll push him away. I move to the cramped and narrow, I push him away. Guess its better he remembers me as sincere, honest and true. Rather than as a liar, perpetrator, fraud. One day... I'll take the leap. I'll give him the truth if that's what he wants. But most of the time, the truth is more difficult than the lies.

But I'm being better. Stepping up. Stepping back.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Girl In The Moon

Yesterday tore me apart
And I didn't even know it
Today you broke my heart
And my eyes cried to show it
Tomorrow I don't look forward to you
Because the truth I'll have to face it
Sleeping without you in my arms
Is like sleeping with the knife you left in my back
Holding on to the lies you told me
Keep me from staying on track
To recovery, to sanity
To gaining all that I have lacked
With you
How do you sleep at night?
When its murder you've committed
How do you kiss her with those lips?
When with them your sins you have admitted
How do you love with hate in your heart?
Your heart cold, dead, tormented
I blink and yesterday is gone
I exhale and then its today
I pray and tomorrow is on its way
The girl in the moon
I stay blue
Over you
Smile with the tears on my face
Alone with the stars
Sad with the milky way
While you laugh
Grounded on earth
Happy, or so they say
Wish upon a star
And may your wish come true
May I be granted some release
From my prison soon,
Me the girl who cries,
Me the girl who ate your lies,
Me the girl alone,
Me the girl in the moon.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Failure. Tangled Webs. Truth. Sacrifice.

So its been a while. Ironic enough, its when I find myself most vulnerable. Most afraid. Most depleted of happiness that I sit down to pen my confusion and hope to find an answer. The answer... a moment of clarity. I write in hopes of reading between the lines. They, (whoever "they" are) they say you're most honest in your art. So hopefully by the end of this I will find the truth. And even more than that I hope that I am ready to face it.

I tried something new. Had this great idea about being a better person. Making a fresh start. So now I find myself in Ranson, WV. Really from the outskirts of Washington, DC to West Virginia? Who would have thought? The worse part is I feel like its not going to work out. Like I failed. And all those who said I would, well they were right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself you know? But at the same time, I wonder why I even thought this could work. I really, really, really wanted this to work. And I NEVER get what I want. I always get the short end of the stick. So now I'm all depressed and all I want to do is sleep, cry and eat cookie dough. Ha! But more than that, I want to be in the arms of someone who loves me. I want them to tell me that its all going to be okay. I want to believe them when they do.

Oh, and then there is the tangled webs that I have begun to weave. Why am I always in situations that end up snowballing into things that are far beyond my control? Its like I got front row season tickets to a sold out concert. Who's performing? DRAMA. Never heard of them? Their songs are huge hits! "He Say, She Say" "I Love You But I'm Too Afraid to Admit It", "Friends With Benefits" "We Can't Be Friends, Cuz I Might Fall In Love With You" "My Roommate & I Like The Same Boy" "We Can't Be Friends Because I Am In Love With You" "I Dumped A Nice Guy for a Jerk." I'm sure at some point in your life you've heard one of these records.

I want to be all things to all people. And I learned a long time ago that you can't please everyone, but for some reason, every time I come to that conclusion its like a slap in the face. I am a pleaser.... and not in a skanky kind of way. I want to make everyone happy. I want to be forever surrounded by the people that I care about. So I try my hardest to be the best friend that I can be. I take things that the normal person wouldn't take. I hold onto relationships that are past overdue trashing. I apologize incessantly. I care way too much. I devote time and energy on developing these relationships, nurturing them, trying to succeed at bringing the best out of people. Its exhausting. Its more than I can handle. But its the sacrifice I make so that I don't end up alone. Pathetic? Selfish? Yeah, I know.

So I'm writing again... see, I told you I had a lot to say and no one to say it to. Did I find truth? Yeah. Was I ready to face it? Not quite.

I think I've finally written about sacrifice guys... so here it is.

My Sacrifice

I'll sit back
And I'll pray for you
I'll stay awake while you sleep
I'll run while you walk
Away from me

I'll hold your hand
When you're scared
I'll say all you hard good-byes
I'll tell you the truth you need to hear
While you whisper me lies

I'll watch you make your bed
And then I'll lay in it
I'll let you eat my food off my plate
I'll give you a hug full of love
While you kiss me with lips of hate

I'll hold you when you cry
Dream your nightmares
I'll fight the battles you don't want to fight
I'll wash away all your darkness
While you dim my light

I'll let them mock me
For the decisions that I make
I'm not going anywhere
So stop pushing me away.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sacrifice

Sooo... Writers are supposed to write and I haven't been writing. This doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking about writing though. I want to write something centered around the theme of sacrifice. Its the greatest act of love. When you willingly give. Without hesitation. Like Jesus. Like mothers for their children. Automatic. Unconditional. But then the line gets fuzzy when its loving someone else. Those who aren't bond to you by blood. My vision gets blurry. I want to love. I want to give so much of myself. But here is where the problem arises. How do I give of myself without losing myself?

Then there is the sacrifice I've subconsciously decided to do before. Where I stand back and watch the one I love not love me back. Play my part as "friend" because he'll never see me beyond that role. All because if it means his happiness, I'll sacrifice mine... because I love him.

"...I'm unworthy, i can see you're above me. But I can be lovely, given the chance...Seems I want what I know is going to leave me hungry...If I can't hold you can I give you a kiss " - Kelly Clarkson


Fool me once,
Shame on you
Fool me twice
Shame on me…

Is it stupid to have faith in someone?
Is it crazy to trust them with your heart?
Should have known you were bad from the start.
“Be wise, my son”
Counsel I should have heeded
But because I was too proud
My soul is left bleeding
“Do not be misled”
And boy was I deceived
But it’s my fault for heading towards
Your web of deceit
Curiosity killed the cat…
It assassinated me
You called and I came running
You asked and I answered
Now where are you?
You’ve left me a mess
I can’t seem to clean on my own
The red wine colored tears
That have stained my cheeks
Can’t be removed
With the strongest bleach
I should have known better
I guess I did
Had a conscience that was Bible-trained
And just didn’t listen to it
I am better off without you
But it kills me
That you couldn’t love me as much as I loved you
But how could you?
You didn’t even love yourself enough
To stay within God’s fold
You left Him
And I followed you
But then just as easily, you left me
So I turned around
And went back to the One
Who I know will forever with me be

Fool me once,
Shame on you
Fool me twice,
Shame on me,
But no more foolish shall I be…

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

I feel sad today. I feel like there is something missing. Like there is something I need or want but I have no idea what it is. So I've listened to Ryan Adams cover of "Wonderwall" about a million times and Bethany Joy Galeotti's "Feel This" a million and one. And then for a million and two times I listened to Kate Voegele's "Kindly Unspoken".

Then I revisted a poem I stareted about a month ago. Tweaked it. Finished it. I don't feel any better. But at least something good came out of the day. But then "good" is all relative. Enjoy.

A Moment of Clarity

I search for truth in your eyes
As you speak to me lies
Coward.
You’re hiding behind the words you speak
Cowards.
Both you and I
Both you and me
When will the sun rise?
When will the war end?
When will we finally let
It
In
Love
Hearts
Trust
Us.
Can you feel the butterflies?
The chills you leave down my spine?
Or my heart racing towards the finish line?
I look for the moment
When we both stop playing the game
Resign to the sidelines
Where it’s just the reality of you and I
Is this the moment?
Or did the moment just pass us by?
Hiding our hearts
Hiding behind the notion
Love is overrated
Behind the belief we’re just too good for love
I at times want to surrender
Give into defeat
Because the fa├žade is getting too painful to keep
I search for truth in between the lies
I dig to decipher what you are saying in between the lines
All the while hiding behind my wall
My wall not as impregnable as I want to think
How did I let you get to me?
I find myself suddenly wanting to
Taste your kiss
Smell your scent
Feel your love
As your thick arms wrap around me…
And then I remember
The war I’m fighting in
My moment of clarity
I have yet to receive
So I lay in wait
And in want
Cowards.
Afraid to see
Clearly.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tell Me A Secret

So there's this thing I do. Weird and unexplainable. May motivate you to question my mental stability, but its honest. Its real. So here it is. Brace yourselves. Whenever my heart is heavy, burdened by sadness, loneliness or self-deprecation, I have a desire to be comforted by words. Hugged, snuggled and kissed by truths that would soothe my soul and calm my spirit. So when that desire arises, I say to myself, "Tell me a secret." Crazy, right?

It all originated from a dream I had. Its a dream of my father. Pre-cancer. Pre-death. He's sitting in his recliner, all burly, healthy, laughing...(he was always laughing). He was sitting there watching a basketball game and then I appear. My 26 year old body crawls into his lap like a five year old little girl. I'm sad. And as he wraps me in his arms, I say, "Daddy, tell me a secret." He then fulfills my request by saying all the things a little girl needs to hear from her dad. "You're beautiful just the way you are." "He didn't deserve you". "When its your time to find true love, it will happen". "Stop comparing yourself to her. Be happy in your own skin". "You're talented and smart". "Take your time, enjoy life". "It's going to be okay, I promise". And in the dream, those words, just because they came from him, make all the pain and sadness disappear.

I tried a couple of times to transfer that dream into reality. Both times in the absence of my father, I asked significant males in my life. Once I got: "I'm all out of light bulbs. Haven't had the time to go to the store and get more and so I am attempting to make a grilled cheese in the dark." The other time, the gentleman told me his biggest fear. "To fall head over heels in love with someone and they fall head over heels in love with me. And then one day they wake up and they are bored with me and so they leave." Stark contrast? Safe to say that although I was thoroughly amused by one and could completely identify with the other, neither one satisfied that desire. Neither one comforted, hugged, snuggled or kissed.

So now when the desire arises and the urge just has to be met by someone wise and fatherly, I say a little prayer. Then I open the pages of my Bible to Psalms 37:24 or Isaiah 40:29-31 or 1 Peter 5:7.

The poem below is one I wrote a while ago when I asked the question and decided to answer it myself....

Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night
Tell me a secret,
One that hugs and kisses
Instead of destroys and mutilates.
Tell me a truth,
One that soothes like a mother's lullaby
Instead of frightens like a nightmare.
Give me a hope,
With conviction and confidence
So that I can believe and trust in it.
And now,
I'll give you a lie,
And tell you, "I do"
Though I don't
Because I can't
And so I won't.
Can you keep a secret?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Writers Write. Writers Read. Writers Share.

So I am completely new to this. Not even sure if I should be here or why I am. I'm so far behind technology, I'm barely keeping up with my six year old son. It makes me laugh when my parents gave him a bunch of old Disney films on VHS. He told his grandmother, this isn't going to work on his TV. It needs to be flat and shaped like a circle.

I guess I am doing this because I feel like I have a lot to say and just no one to say it to. I am a writer. And my creative writer teacher my junior year of high school told me writers write. So I'm writing. Then he said writers read. I still working on that. Most of my reading is spent on building my spirituality. And then he said writers share... so this is what this is... me sharing.

This first poem has an interesting back story. Basically a guy friend, a new addition to my inner circle, did something to make me cry... now if you know me, you know that I am a crier, so this wasn't a stretch. But it wasn't the good cry. It was a you-broke-my-heart-shot-me-down-handed-me-an-insult-that-pierced-my-soul kinda cry... but we worked it out. Blamed it on his just being misunderstood. I love him to death... even if he doesn't quite deserve it. J/k!

I love this piece and its one of my favorites to date. Because when I sat down to write how I felt about the situation I thought my pen would paint words of hate, bitterness and angst on the paper... however my subconscious surprised me and even him when I read it to him. So... here it is. Tell me what you think!

If I Could Write A Poem About the Day You Pissed Me Off, Here’s What It Would Be… Surprised?

I look through your eyes and I see you
I listen between the lies and I hear you
You hold me in your arms and I feel you
Now if only you can look into my eyes
And see what I see
If you could step into my soul
And realize that you are the man you want to be
Let me love you
Guide you through your insecurities
So you can rise above it all
The hatred, the ignorance and the immaturity
Place your hand on my heart
And feel it racing
Wipe away my tears
And be confident of my forgiveness
Kiss me on the forehead and promise me
Your sins you won’t repeat.
Feel safe in my arms
And know I won’t walk away easily.
And I hope that if I fall from grace,
You’d pick me up and stand me on my feet
I assure you that in my heart
No ulterior motive lives
And I stand before you
Completely true to what we set out to be
So don’t fake it for me
Let the words that leave your lips
Always be genuine and honest.
Stay true to the God that you love
Stay true to who you are and who you want to be
Stay true to me
And there will be salvation
And a friendship for eternity