Monday, September 14, 2009

Stepping Up = Stepping Back

It's time to step up. Step back. Readjust. Reexamine. Reevaluate. The goal: TO BE BETTER. Better mother. Better daughter. Better sister. Better friend. Better.

I'm the type that easily forgives. Screw me over once. Screw me over twice. And I'll still call you friend. Still keep you in that special place in my heart. Still love you. Forgiveness is easy. Its the forgetting that presents the challenge. Somehow I relive it. With each mistake made a crescendo of the past mistakes rushes my memory. I make it difficult for the ones I love cuz I can't let it go. But its not just to their disadvantage, my inability to let it go, but its to my detriment as well. Every time I get hurt, I have this habit of bringing it back to myself. I mean, I've been abused ever since I was seven years old and though those mistakes were far from my own I carry the weight of the guilt as if it was mine to own. So I resolve right here, right now, today. To try and let it go. In the words of the Beatles I will "Let it Be"... Forgiving and forgetting the sins of myself and others will lead to a better me.

My mother is a gem. Precious. Its because she survived that I've chosen to survive. I don't let her know that as often as I want to though. When you love someone you tell them... I should tell her more often. Appreciating those who sacrificed so that I could have will make me a better me.

My son is my heart. But it kills me every time he asks me for something that I can't provide. I try to be superwoman. Do it all on my own. I never knew myself to be prideful. But humility runs scared from me when recognizing my limitations as a mother. I have these huge expectations for myself and fall short of them each and every time. This leads to a wave of disappointment and the cycle continues. Humility leads to peace of mind. A better mother. A better me.

I live by this mantra: Stay true to yourself. Stay true to God. Stay true to those you love. Though lately, I haven't been living it as much as I have been preaching it. I can't speak the truth when it comes to a certain situation. The lies protect me from the pain. The lies are a tent, shielding me from the storm of disappointment, rejection, heartache. The worse part is I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I stay on the broad and spacious I'll push him away. I move to the cramped and narrow, I push him away. Guess its better he remembers me as sincere, honest and true. Rather than as a liar, perpetrator, fraud. One day... I'll take the leap. I'll give him the truth if that's what he wants. But most of the time, the truth is more difficult than the lies.

But I'm being better. Stepping up. Stepping back.

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