Friday, July 24, 2009

Failure. Tangled Webs. Truth. Sacrifice.

So its been a while. Ironic enough, its when I find myself most vulnerable. Most afraid. Most depleted of happiness that I sit down to pen my confusion and hope to find an answer. The answer... a moment of clarity. I write in hopes of reading between the lines. They, (whoever "they" are) they say you're most honest in your art. So hopefully by the end of this I will find the truth. And even more than that I hope that I am ready to face it.

I tried something new. Had this great idea about being a better person. Making a fresh start. So now I find myself in Ranson, WV. Really from the outskirts of Washington, DC to West Virginia? Who would have thought? The worse part is I feel like its not going to work out. Like I failed. And all those who said I would, well they were right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself you know? But at the same time, I wonder why I even thought this could work. I really, really, really wanted this to work. And I NEVER get what I want. I always get the short end of the stick. So now I'm all depressed and all I want to do is sleep, cry and eat cookie dough. Ha! But more than that, I want to be in the arms of someone who loves me. I want them to tell me that its all going to be okay. I want to believe them when they do.

Oh, and then there is the tangled webs that I have begun to weave. Why am I always in situations that end up snowballing into things that are far beyond my control? Its like I got front row season tickets to a sold out concert. Who's performing? DRAMA. Never heard of them? Their songs are huge hits! "He Say, She Say" "I Love You But I'm Too Afraid to Admit It", "Friends With Benefits" "We Can't Be Friends, Cuz I Might Fall In Love With You" "My Roommate & I Like The Same Boy" "We Can't Be Friends Because I Am In Love With You" "I Dumped A Nice Guy for a Jerk." I'm sure at some point in your life you've heard one of these records.

I want to be all things to all people. And I learned a long time ago that you can't please everyone, but for some reason, every time I come to that conclusion its like a slap in the face. I am a pleaser.... and not in a skanky kind of way. I want to make everyone happy. I want to be forever surrounded by the people that I care about. So I try my hardest to be the best friend that I can be. I take things that the normal person wouldn't take. I hold onto relationships that are past overdue trashing. I apologize incessantly. I care way too much. I devote time and energy on developing these relationships, nurturing them, trying to succeed at bringing the best out of people. Its exhausting. Its more than I can handle. But its the sacrifice I make so that I don't end up alone. Pathetic? Selfish? Yeah, I know.

So I'm writing again... see, I told you I had a lot to say and no one to say it to. Did I find truth? Yeah. Was I ready to face it? Not quite.

I think I've finally written about sacrifice guys... so here it is.

My Sacrifice

I'll sit back
And I'll pray for you
I'll stay awake while you sleep
I'll run while you walk
Away from me

I'll hold your hand
When you're scared
I'll say all you hard good-byes
I'll tell you the truth you need to hear
While you whisper me lies

I'll watch you make your bed
And then I'll lay in it
I'll let you eat my food off my plate
I'll give you a hug full of love
While you kiss me with lips of hate

I'll hold you when you cry
Dream your nightmares
I'll fight the battles you don't want to fight
I'll wash away all your darkness
While you dim my light

I'll let them mock me
For the decisions that I make
I'm not going anywhere
So stop pushing me away.

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